We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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