You work out of a Hotel?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
being pregnant is like rehab
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
