My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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