just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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