I'm laying in your front yard are you home
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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