I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
