Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
