Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I supernannyed him into submission
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
