my soul wont recognize me after tonight
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
