i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
