Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
