Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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