WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
