It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It's official drugs can't kill me
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
