i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
