Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
