I think I died a long time ago.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
