2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
