I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
