question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
