guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
