I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
