I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
