you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
