Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
But break dance skills will only take you so far
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
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