There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
