And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
