Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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