Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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