Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
