remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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