just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
