my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
