dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
