my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
