Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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