I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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