my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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