I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
