I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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