turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
