The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
