i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
