I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
