I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
