oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
