We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
