a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
