the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
