Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
