she woke up with a sticky ear
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
