I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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