Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
